It's the fifth(?) night it's been like that...at least since regionals, anyway.
The team lost the game on a late equalizer and an extra time screamer that I couldn't defend because of my suspension. My team hasn't stopped blaming me for that, but worst of all, Jake still won't talk to me...he just gave me the silent treatment when his family came for dinner last night, and it's driving me crazy.
And to make things even worse, Teri broke up with me, too...said she was going through some weird things right now, and didn't want to see me any more. But the way she said it, I think she has an inkling of what's going on. Or does she?
Still, why now? Why all the bad things now? Does God hate me or something?
Monday 21 November 2005
Wednesday 16 November 2005
When a win feels like a loss...
Yesterday was our Sectional game, and we won. But it feels like a loss. Why? Because my best friend fucking hates me, he's quitting soccer and it's all my fault.
This morning I tried talking to Jake again before school to apologize, but he just ran past me. In Chem I tried again, but he just gave me the cold shoulder. He didn't take the bus with the team to the other school's field, but if he did, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have survived: the guys just kept picking on him even when he wasn't there, and just kept on going even when coach announced that he had quit...and I just joined along.
Even when I got on the field, I just couldn't shake the feeling. But somehow, despite the things in my head, I was able to score a goal on a free kick 30 yards out to put us up 1-0. But just as we were getting set to start the second half, one of their defenders called me a lying faggot piece of shit. Turns out he was one of Tanner's sister's friends who had noticed me going up the stairs with Jake.
What came afterward was a blur: I saw a red card, fists were flying, everyone was yelling and screaming, there was lockers being slammed. I can still hear Coach chewing me out in my brain, but that's it. But let's say that defender wasn't talking more smack...not for that night anyway, since I laid him out.
But now, I'm suspended for the next three games which means even if we made it to State, I'd be sitting out.
This mess just gets worse and worse...
This morning I tried talking to Jake again before school to apologize, but he just ran past me. In Chem I tried again, but he just gave me the cold shoulder. He didn't take the bus with the team to the other school's field, but if he did, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have survived: the guys just kept picking on him even when he wasn't there, and just kept on going even when coach announced that he had quit...and I just joined along.
Even when I got on the field, I just couldn't shake the feeling. But somehow, despite the things in my head, I was able to score a goal on a free kick 30 yards out to put us up 1-0. But just as we were getting set to start the second half, one of their defenders called me a lying faggot piece of shit. Turns out he was one of Tanner's sister's friends who had noticed me going up the stairs with Jake.
What came afterward was a blur: I saw a red card, fists were flying, everyone was yelling and screaming, there was lockers being slammed. I can still hear Coach chewing me out in my brain, but that's it. But let's say that defender wasn't talking more smack...not for that night anyway, since I laid him out.
But now, I'm suspended for the next three games which means even if we made it to State, I'd be sitting out.
This mess just gets worse and worse...
Monday 14 November 2005
Saturday night...what a mess.
Saturday night was a total shit show, and that doesn't even begin to describe what could have happened.
What happened? Well, Tanner (one of our defenders) was having a house party since his folks were in Florida visiting his grandparents, and invited everyone on the team over. Jake and I had to go, of course...you had to be some pussy to turn down a team party like that, but I made the mistake of going with him instead of with Teri. Like usual, we all got pretty wasted and let's just say when Jake gets a little booze in him, he gets a little grabby, and touchy feely. Not wanting to get busted, we snuck into someone's bedroom to make out, when someone dropping their coat off onto the bed spotted Jake making out with a guy and screamed.
Turns out, it was the worst person that could have busted us...Tanner's younger sister, who screamed so loud for everyone to get their asses in there so loudly, that I think the entire city heard her. I took the chance to roll under the bed before she saw me, but within minutes the entire team was in the room, taunting Jake for being a big faggot. I could sense Jake was crying, but not wanted to get busted, I said nothing and stayed motionless until the team was gone. By the time I went back downstairs, Jake had taken his truck and left. Tanner and Casey asked where I was, and I had to act stupid. It was pretty awkward, but I convinced them that I had been in the can all that time.
Today at school, what happened at Tanner's spread through the school like a wild fire. Jake left early, and didn't even show up for practice. I wanted to see if he was okay on my way home, but his mom said he didn't want to see anyone. He did leave this drawing for me though, and I think I know what it means...
My secret is safe, but I've destroyed someone else's life...my best friend's. Fuck.
What happened? Well, Tanner (one of our defenders) was having a house party since his folks were in Florida visiting his grandparents, and invited everyone on the team over. Jake and I had to go, of course...you had to be some pussy to turn down a team party like that, but I made the mistake of going with him instead of with Teri. Like usual, we all got pretty wasted and let's just say when Jake gets a little booze in him, he gets a little grabby, and touchy feely. Not wanting to get busted, we snuck into someone's bedroom to make out, when someone dropping their coat off onto the bed spotted Jake making out with a guy and screamed.
Turns out, it was the worst person that could have busted us...Tanner's younger sister, who screamed so loud for everyone to get their asses in there so loudly, that I think the entire city heard her. I took the chance to roll under the bed before she saw me, but within minutes the entire team was in the room, taunting Jake for being a big faggot. I could sense Jake was crying, but not wanted to get busted, I said nothing and stayed motionless until the team was gone. By the time I went back downstairs, Jake had taken his truck and left. Tanner and Casey asked where I was, and I had to act stupid. It was pretty awkward, but I convinced them that I had been in the can all that time.
Today at school, what happened at Tanner's spread through the school like a wild fire. Jake left early, and didn't even show up for practice. I wanted to see if he was okay on my way home, but his mom said he didn't want to see anyone. He did leave this drawing for me though, and I think I know what it means...
My secret is safe, but I've destroyed someone else's life...my best friend's. Fuck.
Wednesday 2 November 2005
The night before Sectionals...
Well, here it is...my first entry of my soon-to-be autobiography. I don't know what compelled me to start this (especially since I'm keeping this private), but hey...someday whoever writes my biography could use this.
Anyway. I can't believe it's already senior year, and this is going to be my last playoffs. This is going to be the year that we win State. I know it in my heart, and so do my teammates...and of course, Jake.
We won our District round game against some school from the other side of town pretty easily, and tomorrow we'll be heading into Sectionals. The farther we go, the more college scouts will be there, and it's making me nervous. My grades are pretty crappy compared to Jake's, but to be able to keep playing I know I gotta impress some scout out there to get me a full ride, or something like that.
But I know someone is watching over me...God and Dad are two, but if what Coach told me last week is true, then I could be heading to a school somewhere playing college soccer. After that, it'll be MLS, Europe, and then the world. Someday, the world's strikers will soon tremble in fear when they hear my name, super central defender Teddy Perrault, from the United States!
But there's something that I know God won't like, and that's the thing I feel for Jake. Sure, there's my girlfriend Teri, but ever since my family moved to Charlotte, I've known Jake. We've done everything together, went to school together, played on the same teams. Our families are close, and on our yearly camping trips together, I usually share a tent with him where we would kiss and jack each other off. No one's seen us do it, of course Dave (my step-dad) would kick my ass if he busted me, and if anyone on the team ever found out, it'd surely be the end of my soccer dreams.
It's not a new feeling, either. I've had these attractions to guys since I was very young: a guy I once knew when I was in Montana, his parents caught him masturbating to gay porn, and we never heard from him again. Last I heard, he committed suicide last year. I've tried to pray it away, but it hasn't worked so far. The pastor at my church keeps saying that being gay is a sin, but why the hell does it feel so right?
No, I have to keep focusing on the game tomorrow. I can't let this shit distract me again...gotta focus on the soccer.
Anyway. I can't believe it's already senior year, and this is going to be my last playoffs. This is going to be the year that we win State. I know it in my heart, and so do my teammates...and of course, Jake.
We won our District round game against some school from the other side of town pretty easily, and tomorrow we'll be heading into Sectionals. The farther we go, the more college scouts will be there, and it's making me nervous. My grades are pretty crappy compared to Jake's, but to be able to keep playing I know I gotta impress some scout out there to get me a full ride, or something like that.
But I know someone is watching over me...God and Dad are two, but if what Coach told me last week is true, then I could be heading to a school somewhere playing college soccer. After that, it'll be MLS, Europe, and then the world. Someday, the world's strikers will soon tremble in fear when they hear my name, super central defender Teddy Perrault, from the United States!
But there's something that I know God won't like, and that's the thing I feel for Jake. Sure, there's my girlfriend Teri, but ever since my family moved to Charlotte, I've known Jake. We've done everything together, went to school together, played on the same teams. Our families are close, and on our yearly camping trips together, I usually share a tent with him where we would kiss and jack each other off. No one's seen us do it, of course Dave (my step-dad) would kick my ass if he busted me, and if anyone on the team ever found out, it'd surely be the end of my soccer dreams.
It's not a new feeling, either. I've had these attractions to guys since I was very young: a guy I once knew when I was in Montana, his parents caught him masturbating to gay porn, and we never heard from him again. Last I heard, he committed suicide last year. I've tried to pray it away, but it hasn't worked so far. The pastor at my church keeps saying that being gay is a sin, but why the hell does it feel so right?
No, I have to keep focusing on the game tomorrow. I can't let this shit distract me again...gotta focus on the soccer.
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