This is my story...

Hi there! The name's Teddy Perrault, and this is my blog.

I'm a 25 year old pro soccer player, who just so happens to be gay. Out and proud of it. I play in the MLS, and for most of my life I've hidden who I was. But now, I am opening up my private blog, in hopes that someone won't make some of the mistakes I've made...and trust me, as you read this, you are going to find that there is a LOT. You might even end up hating me, or loving me. That's your call. 

So why did I do this? I think it was my great-aunt Mavis who told me that a wise man once told her, "He who truly lives without fear, is truly free." I think it was my great-great-grandfather Edouard "Ted" Perrault (guess you know who I'm named after) who told her that. And she's right. I'm doing this as I want to do the right thing, and not so I could be placed on a pedestal or anything...I just want to show the world that well, there is just nothing to hide.

What you are about to read is my story, starting from senior year of high school to now -- and I'm sticking to it. Well, it's the only story I got, so it's hard for me not to stick with it.

So scroll down, and enjoy. Thanks for reading!

- Teddy.

Season...done.

My life is over.

My ankle is fucked, royally. Got it caught on the turf during a tackle in our last game, and it snapped like a dry branch. I was rushed to the hospital for further tests, but I knew the diagnosis before the doctors could tell me: my senior season is DONE. They tried to tell me it was fixable, but I was so hepped on painkillers, I barely could understand all the medical words they were tossing at me.

Goodbye England, goodbye Europe, goodbye MLS. I’d be lucky if I could get into the USL now. Or was it the NASL? I know another North Carolina guy is up there, David Testo I think? Maybe if I’m good enough, Montreal might take me...but then I’d have to learn French.

No, I can’t give up. I can’t. I’m getting surgery on it tomorrow, and if it all works out and we make it to College Cup, I could make it back.

...I hope. 

How time flies...

Wow, it's been a while since I've written on here! I thought I was only going to leave this for a couple weeks, but turns out it's been almost two years...

It's been a wild ride, but I've loved every moment of it...but now, I'm in the last year of my college career. We still haven't won the College Cup, but you're looking at one of the top defender prospects for the 2010 MLS Superdraft.

...That's IF I choose to sign with the MLS team that picks me! I got a call from a team in England last week who said they want me try out for them. Granted, the team is in League One, but it's ENGLAND. ENGLAND! What soccer-playing kid growing up ANYWHERE in the world wouldn't dream of playing in Europe?! It'd be a dream come true if they signed me, but as coach said...one step at a time. We've still got a whole season to go, and one more shot at winning that national championship before I make the jump across the Pond. The senior team and even the 2010 World Cup in South Africa can't be far off from here!

Well, that's the dream anyway. In the last year I've gotten the chance to train with some MLS teams, and even got to play a full summer of semi-pro ball with a PDL team (we won a few games, but didn't make the playoffs). And to add to that, I even got a chance to visit Germany to see Werder Bremen play. I even got to see my other hero, Torsten Frings, play. And even better, if the reports from all the press and the blog types are right, I could be a high draft pick.

...IF I choose to go to MLS. IF. What kid that started playing soccer in Billings, Montana could say that!?

Speaking of dreams, I'm still with Amy. Going on two years now, and it seems my feelings for other guys have gone. Jake's not convinced I can keep up the "charade" forever with her, but I'm sure I've beaten it. He keeps telling me about how excited he is about him and Les moving in together in their new apartment in Queens, and nags at me to about how I would leave Amy and Denton like I did abandoned him that night at Tanner's house. We got into an argument over the phone, which we kinda later came to the conclusion was stupid -- that's Jake and I's relationship for ya, we bicker like an old married couple sometimes, but we somehow make up.

What's important is that I keep reminding myself of what's important, and the feelings go away. Life is good, and really, it can only get better! My soccer dreams are alive, and I've got a beautiful girlfriend who keeps me grounded. Everythings's great!

Quick update...

Apparently Denton tried to commit suicide last week, and now he's dropping out...I guess my secret's safe for now, but it seems the rumors are still going around. Thank God I have Amy with me.

Big win again last night, saved a sure goal in front of pro scouts, national TV, and the girlfriend. Can't help but be stoked by that.

We're getting close to the playoffs, and I've got three midterms tomorrow so no more time to write. It's squeaky bum time, as they say in England...

Dodged a bullet!

Well, Denton did it...but somehow I was able to dodge a bullet, and a pretty big one at that, thanks to a very good friend.

When I broke up with Denton, the last message he said was I'd be sorry for breaking up with him...and well, I opened up the school newspaper a couple days ago, and instead of our team winning a home-and-home series against our rivals leading off the sports section, it was an "expose" by Denton about a gay player that was on the soccer team. He didn't name the person specifically, but he dropped enough hints to make sure that everyone suspected it was me. In short, I was pretty much outed without being named.

Naturally, walking into the locker rooms the next day was pretty awkward...and even on the way, some of my teammates were already asking. Except they saw me with Amy.

Oh yeah, Amy. She's a freshman who I met at a game over the summer in North Carolina. She's pretty, intelligent, and well, things sort of changed when she told me she was going to the same school as I was...and well, it's hard not to fall in love with someone like her. She gave me those same feelings that I had when I spent time with Denton, except it's not...well, career ending, which would suck.

So my teammates saw me with Amy, and let's just say the rumors ended right there. I don't know what's going to happen to Denton, but I don't think it's going to be good. But at least, I don't get those feelings I have for guys any more, which means I can focus on soccer and winning a national championship...and Amy, of course.

Oh yeah, Jake came out to his entire family last week, and apparently they took it surprisingly well. I met his boyfriend Les over the summer when they came to a game, and they look so perfect together...kinda like how things are with me and Amy. It's good to be feeling free again.

A nasty breakup

Well, I finally heard back from Denton, and let's just say he's not happy about being dumped. I checked my phone after practice, and I saw seven missed calls from Denton.

When I called him back, all I heard was just a lot of screaming and shouting. It took 15 minutes before I could get a word in, and even then it just sent him into another fit of yelling, calling me a liar, a shithead, a jerk and a user...this went on for over 45 minutes before I had to hang up.

A few minutes after I did, I got a message: "You're going to be sorry for what you did." I don't know what he means, and I'm kind of worried now.

What am I going to do?

It's done.

I've been home for less than 48 hours, and after having lost almost two straight nights of sleep about it...I decided to dump Denton.

I sent him a text, but he hasn't returned my message. It feels awful, but it's gotta be done.

As for the PDL team, they're willing to give me a tryout. I have to focus on that now, what's done is done.

Bye, Denton...I'm sorry.

Spotted!

Just when I thought things were going well, shit seems to happen.

The semester was over, and Denton and I wanted to go catch an LA Galaxy game before I headed home for the summer (and a PDL contract, probably...), but I got careless, and didn't think that anyone I knew would go to an LA Galaxy game, too. And guess what? My chem TA is a supporter of the team, and saw me at the game with him.

Or at least I think she did...or maybe I was hidden behind the beer stand? I don't know, but I'm freaking out here. I just don't know what to do.

I can't just keep this up, and I know it hurts, but I don't know if I can keep Denton around any more.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas has been awesome. Mom got me a new PSP with FIFA 07, so guess what I'll be playing on the flight back to California?

And best of all, while I've been doing some coaching at the local youth leagues, the kids there are just worshiping me like I'm Carlos Bocanegra or something. It's awesome...maybe someday I'll be able to play next to him or Danny Califf or something.

As for Christmas dinner, Dave was a no-show again...said he was busy. Whatever, he's dead to me anyhow. Denton is the one in my life right now, and I just got off the phone with him. We've been talking on the phone every day since I've been back, and I really can't wait to see him again...I miss him.

Jake is doing well, too. Seems he's met someone in New York but wouldn't tell me any more than that...he thinks he'd be jinxing it or something, but at least he's happy.

Anyway, it's getting late. Merry Christmas!

San Francisco

Well, I'm back together with Denton...for now. Maybe it was the exam stress, but we somehow kissed and made up. I'm still a bit leery, but hey, I don't know if I'm ready to let him go yet.

Anyway, with Christmas coming and the semester over, I'm getting ready to head back to North Carolina for Christmas. It's been a while since I've seen the family, and I think seeing them will get me grounded again for the coming season.

So before I left, and since it's our three month anniversary, Denton took me down to his hometown of San Fran after my last exam. It's a beautiful city: the hills, the Cable Cars, the Golden Gate bridge...we tried to pack as many things as we could into one day, and it was AWESOME. Oh yeah, the gay district on Castro Street. I've never seen a gay village before, but for some strange reason I felt at home. I could hold hands with Denton and kiss him in public, it felt RIGHT...and it gave me feelings that being with Teri never gave me.

Good times... (Thanks Jake)
While he did try to get me to come out, I just shook my head and nodded. It's not a fight I want to go through right now, and really...I still don't want to. But why ruin the moment?

Oh, and first time ever, I ate beef stomach while at something called dim sum in Chinatown. Being a kid from the Carolinas, all I've ever known was chop suey...but now, I know a little more. Anyway, it actually tastes pretty good, even though it was like eating chewed bubble gum. Denton likes it a lot, but I don't think I'll be ordering it again any time soon...but this is definitely something that will creep the crap out of Tara when I tell her. But still, I've learned so much from Denton...maybe that's why I'm not ready to let him go.

As for my shoulder? Oh yeah, it still hurts like hell (even worse than the tattoo pain), but it's getting better.

It's over.

Denton and I fought again last night. We're done...or more importantly, I'm done with him. He's pushed me too far. I've got exams, and recovering from my injury. I can't do it!

I think I need a drink...

No Final Four...

One game. Just one game. We were so close to the Final Four, and we fucked it up...and in front of my mom and my two younger brothers Larry and Todd, too. They had driven to the game to see us win and head to the Final Four, but we screwed it up. Actually, no, I screwed it up. I had a chance to tie it with a dead ball strike and it went wide.

Oh, and I dislocated my shoulder sliding into a tackle. It's not the first time, but fuck it hurts.

Denton tried to call me all night, but I just didn't want to answer the phone. I just can't deal with him right now ever since he quit the Christian Club and came out to his parents. He's been telling me to do what Jake did and come out to everyone, and I keep telling him it's not that simple. I've got dreams...and being openly gay simply won't work.

Why can't he accept that it's not going to happen? 

Life at college.

My back hurts like a bitch right now.

No, I didn't injure myself - I got drunk with the other freshmen, and got some wings inked on my back, with a banner. Maybe I was drunk, or maybe there's something...but when I looked, Jake's initials were on them. It hurts like hell, and I'm broke for the next gazillion years, and now I've got my best friend's initals on my back for all eternity. How the hell am I supposed to explain that on ESPN?!

I've been here at college now for about a few weeks, and it's a bit different. The culture here is...different, but not as bad as my sister Tara kept telling me before I left North Carolina. I'm living away from home for the first time, and I'm feeling...well,  free. Not too free, mind you. My secret still has to stay just that, especially when I'm out with my teammates. When they talk about girls and stuff, I have to make up some crazy story about dumping Teri before leaving to come here, and playing the field and all that.

But on the other hand, the fact that this place is so big has allowed me to explore a little. I've been able to join the campus Christian club, and by some miracle I met Denton there...he's a guy from San Francisco, taking journalism at the school. I first met him when he was covering our last home game (I think it was my goal-saving heroics that impressed him, I don't know), and then we ran into each other at a meet and greet event for the club. We took our conversation outside the campus bar after the event, and well...we've had a couple dates so far. I do like him, but again...I gotta be careful not to get caught when I'm seeing him.

Meanwhile, things on the field are going well. We beat a cross-state rival last week, and I've gotten past a few sophomores on the depth chart to become the team's first choice CB. It does mean more journalists are coming up to me during practices and after games asking me questions. It's not ESPN yet, but I'm thinking that's going to happen sooner or later. But every time I'm in those media scrums, my eyes always gravitate toward Denton, and I have to stop myself so I don't give myself away to anyone...I still have to keep soccer in my sights, and I can't let my feelings jeopardize that.

Jeopardy...

Hey, wait...was that bio quiz tomorrow, or Tuesday? Oh shit...I probably should study anyway, because I do NOT want to fail this course (the instructor is a bit of a...let's just say I don't want to take his class again). But first, gonna put some more of that backtine on my back. Still hurts.

Groundhog Day

Sir Walter Wally may have said there's six more weeks of winter, but things may be getting better for me.

First, Jake is talking to me again. He texted me a couple days ago saying he wanted to talk. We met at the burger joint down the street, where I finally apologized to him about ditching him that night at Tanner's, and he seemed to understand. His smile told me he was okay with it now, but there was something else...good.

And that was he's going to New York for art school. He's a pretty talented artist, having looked through his sketchbook...He’s got a pretty kickass portrait of me taking a corner, something he drew when he was injured in sophomore season, so he'll do great there I think. But then he was a pretty kick-ass midfielder too, and I can't help but feel guilty that I helped end his career and ruin our friendship at the same time.

Just thinking about it makes me feel terrible. While my best friend may be talking to me again, this news just confirms that there's no going back...the Jake I knew before that night, is not the same Jake I was looking at. In a few months, we'll not only be on opposite sides of the country, but...well, he's going onto a new life.

Meanwhile for me, even though we didn't win state, it seems my defensive skills were good enough to get me into a school out in Southern California. From what I saw they're pretty good, having produced a few MLS players that have gone on to US national team stuff. Would I have gotten that chance if I had been caught with Jake? Probably not. But in hindsight, would I have sacrificed it all for him? I'd say yes.

Too late now, though. I've got my life to live, and I gotta live it.

I can't sleep.

It's the fifth(?) night it's been like that...at least since regionals, anyway.

The team lost the game on a late equalizer and an extra time screamer that I couldn't defend because of my suspension. My team hasn't stopped blaming me for that, but worst of all, Jake still won't talk to me...he just gave me the silent treatment when his family came for dinner last night, and it's driving me crazy.

And to make things even worse, Teri broke up with me, too...said she was going through some weird things right now, and didn't want to see me any more. But the way she said it, I think she has an inkling of what's going on. Or does she?

Still, why now? Why all the bad things now? Does God hate me or something?

When a win feels like a loss...

Yesterday was our Sectional game, and we won. But it feels like a loss. Why? Because my best friend fucking hates me, he's quitting soccer and it's all my fault.

This morning I tried talking to Jake again before school to apologize, but he just ran past me. In Chem I tried again, but he just gave me the cold shoulder. He didn't take the bus with the team to the other school's field, but if he did, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have survived: the guys just kept picking on him even when he wasn't there, and just kept on going even when coach announced that he had quit...and I just joined along.

Even when I got on the field, I just couldn't shake the feeling. But somehow, despite the things in my head, I was able to score a goal on a free kick 30 yards out to put us up 1-0. But just as we were getting set to start the second half, one of their defenders called me a lying faggot piece of shit. Turns out he was one of Tanner's sister's friends who had noticed me going up the stairs with Jake.

What came afterward was a blur: I saw a red card, fists were flying, everyone was yelling and screaming, there was lockers being slammed. I can still hear Coach chewing me out in my brain, but that's it. But let's say that defender wasn't talking more smack...not for that night anyway, since I laid him out.

But now, I'm suspended for the next three games which means even if we made it to State, I'd be sitting out.

This mess just gets worse and worse...

Saturday night...what a mess.

Saturday night was a total shit show, and that doesn't even begin to describe what could have happened.

What happened? Well, Tanner (one of our defenders) was having a house party since his folks were in Florida visiting his grandparents, and invited everyone on the team over. Jake and I had to go, of course...you had to be some pussy to turn down a team party like that, but I made the mistake of going with him instead of with Teri. Like usual, we all got pretty wasted and let's just say when Jake gets a little booze in him, he gets a little grabby, and touchy feely. Not wanting to get busted, we snuck into someone's bedroom to make out, when someone dropping their coat off onto the bed spotted Jake making out with a guy and screamed.

Turns out, it was the worst person that could have busted us...Tanner's younger sister, who screamed so loud for everyone to get their asses in there so loudly, that I think the entire city heard her. I took the chance to roll under the bed before she saw me, but within minutes the entire team was in the room, taunting Jake for being a big faggot. I could sense Jake was crying, but not wanted to get busted, I said nothing and stayed motionless until the team was gone. By the time I went back downstairs, Jake had taken his truck and left. Tanner and Casey asked where I was, and I had to act stupid. It was pretty awkward, but I convinced them that I had been in the can all that time.

Today at school, what happened at Tanner's spread through the school like a wild fire. Jake left early, and didn't even show up for practice. I wanted to see if he was okay on my way home, but his mom said he didn't want to see anyone. He did leave this drawing for me though, and I think I know what it means...

My secret is safe, but I've destroyed someone else's life...my best friend's. Fuck.

The night before Sectionals...

Well, here it is...my first entry of my soon-to-be autobiography. I don't know what compelled me to start this (especially since I'm keeping this private), but hey...someday whoever writes my biography could use this.

Anyway. I can't believe it's already senior year, and this is going to be my last playoffs. This is going to be the year that we win State. I know it in my heart, and so do my teammates...and of course, Jake.

We won our District round game against some school from the other side of town pretty easily, and tomorrow we'll be heading into Sectionals. The farther we go, the more college scouts will be there, and it's making me nervous. My grades are pretty crappy compared to Jake's, but to be able to keep playing I know I gotta impress some scout out there to get me a full ride, or something like that.

But I know someone is watching over me...God and Dad are two, but if what Coach told me last week is true, then I could be heading to a school somewhere playing college soccer. After that, it'll be MLS, Europe, and then the world. Someday, the world's strikers will soon tremble in fear when they hear my name, super central defender Teddy Perrault, from the United States!

But there's something that I know God won't like, and that's the thing I feel for Jake. Sure, there's my girlfriend Teri, but ever since my family moved to Charlotte, I've known Jake. We've done everything together, went to school together, played on the same teams. Our families are close, and on our yearly camping trips together, I usually share a tent with him where we would kiss and jack each other off. No one's seen us do it, of course Dave (my step-dad) would kick my ass if he busted me, and if anyone on the team ever found out, it'd surely be the end of my soccer dreams.

It's not a new feeling, either. I've had these attractions to guys since I was very young: a guy I once knew when I was in Montana, his parents caught him masturbating to gay porn, and we never heard from him again. Last I heard, he committed suicide last year. I've tried to pray it away, but it hasn't worked so far. The pastor at my church keeps saying that being gay is a sin, but why the hell does it feel so right?

No, I have to keep focusing on the game tomorrow. I can't let this shit distract me again...gotta focus on the soccer.