Merry Christmas!

Christmas has been awesome. Mom got me a new PSP with FIFA 07, so guess what I'll be playing on the flight back to California?

And best of all, while I've been doing some coaching at the local youth leagues, the kids there are just worshiping me like I'm Carlos Bocanegra or something. It's awesome...maybe someday I'll be able to play next to him or Danny Califf or something.

As for Christmas dinner, Dave was a no-show again...said he was busy. Whatever, he's dead to me anyhow. Denton is the one in my life right now, and I just got off the phone with him. We've been talking on the phone every day since I've been back, and I really can't wait to see him again...I miss him.

Jake is doing well, too. Seems he's met someone in New York but wouldn't tell me any more than that...he thinks he'd be jinxing it or something, but at least he's happy.

Anyway, it's getting late. Merry Christmas!

San Francisco

Well, I'm back together with Denton...for now. Maybe it was the exam stress, but we somehow kissed and made up. I'm still a bit leery, but hey, I don't know if I'm ready to let him go yet.

Anyway, with Christmas coming and the semester over, I'm getting ready to head back to North Carolina for Christmas. It's been a while since I've seen the family, and I think seeing them will get me grounded again for the coming season.

So before I left, and since it's our three month anniversary, Denton took me down to his hometown of San Fran after my last exam. It's a beautiful city: the hills, the Cable Cars, the Golden Gate bridge...we tried to pack as many things as we could into one day, and it was AWESOME. Oh yeah, the gay district on Castro Street. I've never seen a gay village before, but for some strange reason I felt at home. I could hold hands with Denton and kiss him in public, it felt RIGHT...and it gave me feelings that being with Teri never gave me.

Good times... (Thanks Jake)
While he did try to get me to come out, I just shook my head and nodded. It's not a fight I want to go through right now, and really...I still don't want to. But why ruin the moment?

Oh, and first time ever, I ate beef stomach while at something called dim sum in Chinatown. Being a kid from the Carolinas, all I've ever known was chop suey...but now, I know a little more. Anyway, it actually tastes pretty good, even though it was like eating chewed bubble gum. Denton likes it a lot, but I don't think I'll be ordering it again any time soon...but this is definitely something that will creep the crap out of Tara when I tell her. But still, I've learned so much from Denton...maybe that's why I'm not ready to let him go.

As for my shoulder? Oh yeah, it still hurts like hell (even worse than the tattoo pain), but it's getting better.

It's over.

Denton and I fought again last night. We're done...or more importantly, I'm done with him. He's pushed me too far. I've got exams, and recovering from my injury. I can't do it!

I think I need a drink...

No Final Four...

One game. Just one game. We were so close to the Final Four, and we fucked it up...and in front of my mom and my two younger brothers Larry and Todd, too. They had driven to the game to see us win and head to the Final Four, but we screwed it up. Actually, no, I screwed it up. I had a chance to tie it with a dead ball strike and it went wide.

Oh, and I dislocated my shoulder sliding into a tackle. It's not the first time, but fuck it hurts.

Denton tried to call me all night, but I just didn't want to answer the phone. I just can't deal with him right now ever since he quit the Christian Club and came out to his parents. He's been telling me to do what Jake did and come out to everyone, and I keep telling him it's not that simple. I've got dreams...and being openly gay simply won't work.

Why can't he accept that it's not going to happen? 

Life at college.

My back hurts like a bitch right now.

No, I didn't injure myself - I got drunk with the other freshmen, and got some wings inked on my back, with a banner. Maybe I was drunk, or maybe there's something...but when I looked, Jake's initials were on them. It hurts like hell, and I'm broke for the next gazillion years, and now I've got my best friend's initals on my back for all eternity. How the hell am I supposed to explain that on ESPN?!

I've been here at college now for about a few weeks, and it's a bit different. The culture here is...different, but not as bad as my sister Tara kept telling me before I left North Carolina. I'm living away from home for the first time, and I'm feeling...well,  free. Not too free, mind you. My secret still has to stay just that, especially when I'm out with my teammates. When they talk about girls and stuff, I have to make up some crazy story about dumping Teri before leaving to come here, and playing the field and all that.

But on the other hand, the fact that this place is so big has allowed me to explore a little. I've been able to join the campus Christian club, and by some miracle I met Denton there...he's a guy from San Francisco, taking journalism at the school. I first met him when he was covering our last home game (I think it was my goal-saving heroics that impressed him, I don't know), and then we ran into each other at a meet and greet event for the club. We took our conversation outside the campus bar after the event, and well...we've had a couple dates so far. I do like him, but again...I gotta be careful not to get caught when I'm seeing him.

Meanwhile, things on the field are going well. We beat a cross-state rival last week, and I've gotten past a few sophomores on the depth chart to become the team's first choice CB. It does mean more journalists are coming up to me during practices and after games asking me questions. It's not ESPN yet, but I'm thinking that's going to happen sooner or later. But every time I'm in those media scrums, my eyes always gravitate toward Denton, and I have to stop myself so I don't give myself away to anyone...I still have to keep soccer in my sights, and I can't let my feelings jeopardize that.

Jeopardy...

Hey, wait...was that bio quiz tomorrow, or Tuesday? Oh shit...I probably should study anyway, because I do NOT want to fail this course (the instructor is a bit of a...let's just say I don't want to take his class again). But first, gonna put some more of that backtine on my back. Still hurts.

Groundhog Day

Sir Walter Wally may have said there's six more weeks of winter, but things may be getting better for me.

First, Jake is talking to me again. He texted me a couple days ago saying he wanted to talk. We met at the burger joint down the street, where I finally apologized to him about ditching him that night at Tanner's, and he seemed to understand. His smile told me he was okay with it now, but there was something else...good.

And that was he's going to New York for art school. He's a pretty talented artist, having looked through his sketchbook...He’s got a pretty kickass portrait of me taking a corner, something he drew when he was injured in sophomore season, so he'll do great there I think. But then he was a pretty kick-ass midfielder too, and I can't help but feel guilty that I helped end his career and ruin our friendship at the same time.

Just thinking about it makes me feel terrible. While my best friend may be talking to me again, this news just confirms that there's no going back...the Jake I knew before that night, is not the same Jake I was looking at. In a few months, we'll not only be on opposite sides of the country, but...well, he's going onto a new life.

Meanwhile for me, even though we didn't win state, it seems my defensive skills were good enough to get me into a school out in Southern California. From what I saw they're pretty good, having produced a few MLS players that have gone on to US national team stuff. Would I have gotten that chance if I had been caught with Jake? Probably not. But in hindsight, would I have sacrificed it all for him? I'd say yes.

Too late now, though. I've got my life to live, and I gotta live it.